Samoan Joe

Michelle and I had four long fights on the various legs of our honeymoon. The first long flight – from London to New York – was pleasant and comfortable enough and passed quickly thanks to the small screens that were on the backs of the seats which allowed you to choose from a variety of movies. The key factor on this flight, which made it the most comfortable of the four, was the fact that Michelle and I were sat together in a row of two rather than having to share a row of three with a complete stranger.

The complete stranger however is to be expected on a long flight and so one can only hope to have a person you would barely notice… and be disappointed they get what’s given.

Coming back over the Atlantic Ocean on the flight from San Francisco to London I have to admit the man beside us was not a bother at all. I call him The Quiet American. Nevertheless, knowing all too well that when one door opens another closes, I was unsurprised when the passenger in front of us turned out to be The Jerk. The Jerk at countless times throughout the nine hour flight seemed determined to force his chair to lie horizontally and therefore onto Michelle’s lap. Being inconsiderate appears to be, like yawning, contagious as myself and The Quiet American soon discovered when The Jerk’s companions soon joined in on his endeavour for a lie down on an Economy Class airplane chair. At one point in The Jerk even had the audacity to turn around to look behind as if Michelle were somehow preventing him from carrying out a function the chair was not designed to include. This inspection was met with my best dead eyed glare which The Jerk seemed to correctly as a non verbal “Go ahead punk, make my day.” Yet despite The Jerk and his almost equally boorish companions this flight was still not so bad when compared to the seven hour ordeal that was Samoan Joe.

On the flight from New York to San Francisco (connecting to Hawaii) we had a woman sitting next to us who I refer to as The Oriental Snorter. This travelling companion was an elderly oriental woman who, as her title would suggest, sniffed and snorted throughout the flight. I’m sure you will agree that this alone could be too much to bare for over six hours, yet I try to be considerate. After all The Snorter must have been suffering from either allergy or illness to have been snorting in the first place and for this reason I try to forgive. What I do not forgive is her feet.

As well as the snorting The Snorter also saw fit to put her legs up on the cramped seat causing her well travelled and clammy feet to touch those unlucky enough to be sitting beside her. This one stranger I’m sure has your skin crawling at the thought that you could have had those feet touching you or had to listen to the ceaseless snorting and sniffing. And still even she could not prepare me for Samoan Joe.

***

I hesitate before type the story of our flight from Hawaii to San Francisco for I know that no word can be written that can truly do justice to the horrifying discomfort that was Samoan Joe. But type I must, for some legends cannot be untold.

***

It was a fantastic holiday but despite the long journey ahead of us my new wife and I were glad to be leaving for home. Having endured The Oriental Snorter on our last long flight Michelle and I felt the universe owed us a break on this first of a series of flights which would begin on a Tuesday and end on a Thursday. Our ticket numbers were amongst some of the first called onto the plane, and although we were in a bank of three seats the third remained empty as those around us became occupied. A foolish dream filled our heads with glorious visions of comfort and even spreading out a little on the long flight. As the plane filled out we even had the courage to speak our dream aloud, dared to believe it could be true! And then I saw Him.

Samoan Joe is not just a man. He is a man that in many years gone by one may have found residing atop a beanstalk. His head is the size of a year old child curled into a ball, his hands are the size a frying pans and most likely have the same density and his body is the mass of a small town. Exaggerating, just a little, though I may be I’m sure your grasping my point; he was big. Really really big. Not fat. Just BIG.

The poor man had to cram himself into our row of three. It is the equivalent of a person of normal size and bulk sitting on a child’s chair and then pulling themselves into a chills desk. His knees were all but up at his chest, he struggled to keep his huge gorilla size arms to himself and as a cherry on top his small daughter (who was seated in the next row with Joe’s wife) kept screaming, not crying, screaming when she had to sit in her seat on the often turbulent flight.

Had been sitting nearby Joe I would have unquestionably looked on at the unfortunately apportioned mans discomfort with deep pity. Of course I was not sitting nearby I was right next to him. Despite the fact I am aware and was aware even then that Samoan Joe laboured to leave me with as much of my seat as his magnitude allowed. Regardless that I know if he could have avoided my neck having had be at a forty-five degree angle he would. There was only one thought in my head and one thought that remains about that considerate giant of a man. That one thought, bore out of frustration, discomfort and bitterness was, is and forever will remain, simply and unfairly, “You bastard.”

Relativity Speaking

Albert Einstein explained his Theory of Relativity in his most simplistic way when he said "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity."

I like that quote a lot and I believe wholly in the theory. The reason I bring it up is that in my work lately I keep scribbling the above title again and again. While most people might keep this to themselves fearing a mental collapse from reality I have chosen to write about it.

See, using Einstein’s quote as an example, my work when busy is a pretty girl, time passes very quickly. For quite a while now however my work has been the equivalent of talking with a girl with a body like a moulded turnip and the face of a person who has not merely fallen from the ugly tree but one who has hit every branch on the way down, fell in the putrid cess pool at the bottom and had the fence surrounding the tree fall and impale them. It’s slow. Painfully slow. Watching a minute pass is gut wrenching. And the later the day gets the slower time passes.
I was on a late on Friday night until 20:00 and it felt like days passed. It’s incredible to watch the fatigue set in on a bunch of people who sit at a desk all day but by good it does.

Anyway I’m not moaning about it, I still like my job and I’ve came up with a cunning plan to help the days pass more quickly. And that plan is this. Literally THIS. When I write time passes like water through an eighty-six year old, very quickly. Recently I haven’t being been doing it because I forgot that even the smallest thing can be interesting if told the right way. So I’ll concentrate on the oddities of people and write it down on a wee pad to post later. Now that I think of it I’ve still not told the story of Samoan Joe. So I’ll start there.

‘Till then.

PS. This is a really crappy post and I apologise for that but I was having a four way conversation in the middle and forgot my point.

Old Journey, New Path

A month has past. The vows have been spoken, the speeches have been spoken and the dance has been danced. The Wedding is over and the Marriage has just begun. Now I can say with absolute sincerity what a great night it was, how much fun I had and how delighted I am with my new wife.

The wedding, to be honest, was a blur. A force ten gale of smiling faces, pictures and dancing. Nigel said (and I’m glad he did because I wouldn’t have) that you could truly feel love on that night and I could not agree more. But you were there. You know what that night was and I could never find the words to do it justice. The last thing I will say on the subject is that Michelle and I could not have asked for a better day or better friends to share it with.

***

When we arrived in New York there was a torrential downpour thanks to the tail end of a hurricane which was blowing through. My niece and nephew, Anna and Jonathan, with the help of their parents had arranged for a town car to pick us up at JFK and Carlos, our driver, advised with a bright smile and raised eyebrows that maybe, due to the weather, we’d prefer to spend our honeymoon indoors anyway.

The streets were a river and the sky was cloud blanketing the infamous skyline. That was no deterrent however, as nice as the hotel room was, a room is a room, and I was in the greatest city on earth. We were soaked in a second but out for an hour walking the streets we all know; Along Madison Avenue, down to Fifth and back toward third and over to the Chrysler Building (which we had mistaken for The Empire State Building).

This is a city in which the fantastic is typical. The next morning no-one bats an eyelid at part of Broadway being cordoned off as that section of street is made to look ancient torn and broken as tanks sit on the road. A movie’s being filmed, possibly a Will Smith film by the name of ‘I Am Legend’ (I memorised a one of the names from a set of directors chairs we spotted and according to IMDB this is the only movie the guy is involved in which is filming). It’s more than big it’s grand and in the days thaty follow Michelle and I will travel across the city to its greatest landmarks, thankfully in the hot sun rather than the pouring rain.

The Empire State Building is five minutes walk from the hotel. Times Square is 10 minutes walk and the bus tour tickets we bought on the first day take us everywhere else. Day 2 we saw The Lion King on Broadway and visit the top of Empire State. Day Three we take a tour of NBC Studios and see were Saturday Night Live is filmed. We go across to Brooklyn on the Bridge by the same name and visit the site of the World Trade Centre. Next day we took a helicopter ride over The Statue of Liberty and carriage through Central Park (bike not horse) and on the last day we simply enjoyed the city.

***

Hawaii did not start off so well. On the long flight over Michelle and I were feeling a little home sick and when we arrived our bags were not there to collect. The hotel was nice, the staff friendly and the room was large and comfortable. All and all though, I think we both were both regretting the second leg of our dream honeymoon. And then we saw the view.


Like a postcard in a photograph, like a dream in the eyes of the beholder. We walked on the beach that night in clothes we bought from the complex across from the hotel. The sand was coarse beneath our feet, the sea was strong and moon was large and full. Paradise.

We spent the next day on the beach and in the sea. I was burned quite badly on my legs and found it difficult (by which I mean extremely painful) to walk on that day so we didn’t get to enjoy some of the activities we planned on. Instead we enjoyed the rest of Hawaii by the pool and with many more walks on the beach. We relaxed in the sun and, after the busy streets of Manhattan, were glad for the opportunity.

***

People think I’m crazy for saying this but I couldn’t be happier to be home. New York was breath taking, Hawaii a dream but this is where I belong. I miss things too much. I miss my house, my streets, my people, and really sadly I especially missed my cats.

***

Marriage is a funny thing. Nothing has changed but everything is different. I’m on the same journey with a new path to follow. There seems to be more possibility and more certainty at the same time. I feel better, almost healthier in a way. Honestly I don’t know what I feel. But I know I’m happy and I know Michelle is too – and as long as I can keep us that way what more can anyone ask?

Honeymoon Photos!

Wedding

New York

Hawaii

Thank You

I have wrote this days before you are reading it, which should be sometime after the wedding which has yet to happen. Of course I can’t talk about what a great night it was, how much fun I had or how delighted I am with my new wife, but, I’m sure I will after the honeymoon.

For now, while I sit amongst the gifts and cards you all have given and sent, I simply want to say how privileged, proud , and fortunate I am to each of you in my life. You all have been telling me how much you are all looking forward to our day and you all have spent allot of time and money on our behalf and Michelle and I are truly grateful for all that you have done. I won’t thank anyone individually, not here, but you know who you are and if not I’ll make sure you know.

I’m not too sentimental, at least I pretend not to be, so I’m not the best at thank yous or at letting people know how much I care for them and how glad I am to know them so I’ll just say this: I don’t have a lot of time for most people but I have all the time in the world for each of you. I know you had a good night (because I’ll be making sure you do) and I hope your hangovers were not too bad.

I’ll be either be on a plane, in earths greatest city or on a white sand beach while you read this but, despite my incredible destinations, believe then I can’t wake to get back to you all.

‘Till Then