Fat Boy’s Adventures in Exercise: Week 1

F**k that. These were the words of encouragement was given by my friends when I told them I was going to rejoin the gym. Sure I’ve tried and failed twice but joining the gym a third time is much preferable to having to restock my wardrobe a third time due to “shrinking” clothes. Besides they say third time’s a charm.

I was supposed to go rejoin on Monday. I did not. Tuesday I did not. Wednesday I did not. Thursday? Thursday I thought of all the positive things I could achieve by joining the gym – Feel better about myself, be healthier, relive stress etc – and that was it. Thursday was the day to do it, the day to rejoin the gym.

We have a two minute rule in my work which basically means you can be two minutes late and leave two minutes early. 16:58 I was up out my desk signed off my computer, signed out of the building and opening the exit door by 17:00. I walk fast and confident. Proud of myself for taking this step.

I moved with precision into Primark. Jogging trousers – 2 pair. T-Shirt - 2 set. Cash register line. Paid for goods. Out the door. I went back the way I came now cutting down that corridor that brings you out in front Crystals and smells like pee. I didn’t let the pee smell distract me and I headed up the ramp to the bridge that would take me to The Dolan Aqua Centre. The Gym.

There was a skater dipshit on the bridge, he was too old for that skate board and that hair-do and he was not watching where he was going because he was fiddling with whatever was in his unwashed hands. Probably a crack pipe… could have been an MP3 player though. Pretty sure he was going to run into me but he looked up at the last minute. I gave him a hard look and I’m pretty sure he said something cheeky. I did a quick calculation in my head and decided the fitness facilities available in prison were not worth throwing him off the bridge. Onwards.

My neighbour, and also the guy who sold me this flat works at the Dolan, his name is Scott.
“What can I do for you” he said.
“I’m going to rejoin the gym, mate.” I said, and as I said it could see that smile. The smile of guy who works in a gym and seen a hundred of guys like me walk through that proverbial revolving door a hundred times before.
“Oh right. I’m just coving the desk for a moment I’ll go get the girl who deals with that.” He said as he turned to go into the office behind him.
For some reason I was slightly nervous and despite having only a casual passing relation ship with Scott I felt it was appropriate at this point to shout after him “Got to fight the fat Scotty Boy!”

Out came the desk girl. I forget her name, and though it’s important to he parents who though long and hard about it and to those who love her it’s not that important to me or this story. She asked if I’ve been a member before and reminded me of the prices. I confirm all this is fine and I want to join. No problem? Wrong.
“Oh… did you receive a letter a while ago about paying a cancellation fee?” said Desk Girl.
I’m here to give you my business again and you people are demanding a cancellation fee? Does that make sense to you, you vacuous little leech?
“Oh yeah… I forgot all about that… I can pay it now?”
“Sorry, payment has to mailed or made over the phone”.
Of course it has! Nothing is ever bloody simple is it you smug little parasite!
“I see… do you perchance have the number there?”
“I’ll just see if I can get that for you.”
Bitch.
“Thank you so much”.

I got the number and it wasn’t long before I realised my good intention was doomed. There was no answer at the number and a quick look at my wrist watch made realise why. No council employee works past 5:00pm.

And so it was that I did not join the gym this week. I paid my bill at lunch on Friday, I had Nigel and Iona’s wedding on Saturday and today…. Well Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest isn't it?. However, it will happen. Specifically it will happen just after 5:30pm tomorrow. I’ll pack a bag tonight and intend to be on an exercise bike or like minded equipment each night after work. I’ll let you know how I get on next week.

‘Till then.

THIS WEEK
I Watched: - 24, Lost, Entourage, The Sopranos and The Unit.
I Read: - Panic by Jeff Abbott.
I listened to: - On the Leyline by Ocean Colour Scene.