Mallett's Mallet

Ignorance is Bliss

I was talking with someone the other day about the TV show Lost. He’d never seen the show and wondered if what he had heard about it is true. What he had heard that it was an equally weird and irritating show which offer more questions than it does answers. So that got me started, and once I got started, the public perception of Lost became, for me, a symbol of the gradual breakdown of society.

I watch the show, I love the show! Do I care about the answers? Of course! But I’m in no rush to get them. You’re watching a story and the story is about the journey just like any other story. You’re not supposed to have the answers – if you did there would be not story! You don’t flip to the end of the book and you don’t ask what happens at the end of the movie! But see there’s the problem – even as I type this you’re turning over those pages and you’re asking that goddamn question.

The books stay on the shelf because you’ve not got the patience, or the stamina, or even the will to enjoy the journey anymore. You hate the films that ask questions because you’re too lazy to wait for the answers – Stick on Scary Movie 9 instead. And when you find something on the TV that keeps you guessing at every turn, gives to adventure, romance and suspense you click the channel to some more Reality TV and fire another bullet into creative storytelling. And the funny thing is – you loved that show! But shouldn’t it be done by now? Why won’t it tell me what’s going on? How come they’re not all dead like I read in The Sun that time?

Pick up a f***ing book, watch the f***ing movie, enjoy the f***ing show, and for f**k sake don’t ask if we’re there yet, just enjoy the scenery. Trust me – it’s better than any national karaoke, dance or modelling competition out there. And it’s sure as f**k better than watching some dipshits being thrown out of a goldfish bowl.

THIS WEEK
I Watched: - The Dirty Dozen, Grindhouse Presents: Planet Terror.
I Read: - The Fourth Hand by John Irving
I listened to: - Five Men in a Hut by Gomez and The Essential Bob Dylan

Destruction of Property

This week Michelle and I were getting some new furniture for our bedroom from my Aunt Liz and Uncle Dave. Dave and Liz moved home from America last year and are now moving again into to a fully furnished home they had built. Fully furnished means that all the furniture they got when they left the US was now useless to them and up for grabs.

Now see if you can spot the difference in items in the next paragraphs.

Michelle and I took a half day to rid ourselves of the old Argos cheapskate range furniture we bought when we moved in. We took apart two sets of drawers, two bedside cabinets and a computer desk, the parts of which were promptly picked up and disposed of by the Cleansing Dept the next day.

The original plan had been that my Dad and I would go get the furniture in his van, but as it turned out my father would not be back from his holiday in time to collect the good before the move. This is the part where my good friend Gareth sets in. After much scrambling by Michelle, her Dad, her Step Dad and myself to try and hire or obtain a van by any means all it took was one phone call – the first time we had spoke since his wedding in July – Gareth said he would help us out. The guy is a diamond. I look at him now and I see him in pants and a cape. You know; like a superhero!

So me and the superhero go and get the stuff and it goes much faster than I thought in no time at all we are moving two new sets of drawers and a computer desk into the flat. So did you spot it? I’ll give you a minute… … … … … … time’s up! Yes that’s right – we didn’t get new bedside cabinets. Not only did we not get bedside cabinets, there was never even any discussion of us possibly getting bedside cabinets. This means that Michelle and I, with full knowledge though hazy memory destroyed two perfectly good pieces of furniture. This also means that our cost free bedroom remodelling will now end up being costly.

It’s not so bad, and “costly” is quite an exaggeration for the price of bedside cabinets. What really worries me is that the few times I do now write my blog the stories all have the common theme of my idiocy. I think I’ll try and win an award and write about that.

‘Till then

THIS WEEK
I Watched: - Heroes Season 2 (episodes 1 &2).
I Read: - The Straw Men by Michael Marshall.
I listened to: - Lennon Legend – The Very Best of John Lennon

Daze Like These

I left work for the day on Tuesday and walked to the gym. I walked up the stairs to the changing room, got in the cubicle, and proceeded to get changed. After hanging my jacket on the door I took off my boots socks, jeans shirt and t-shirt and folded them on the bench. I then put other socks, my gym trainers, joggies and a fresh tee. I put the clothes I had been wearing into the large part of my bag and put my rings and watch into the front pouch. I also take the machine key from the pouch and put it into my pocket. I then, fully changed, open the cubicle and prepare to step out. Only at this point do I realise. I don’t have a pound coin for the locker!

A quick check of my wallet shows I have nothing to make change with and mere moments after closing that cubicle door I back in there and reversing the whole process you just read.

D’oh!

The cats were crying for food as usual on Wednesday whenI got up . As I do every morning I walked straight to the kitchen I get two sachets of food out the cupboard and I wash their bowls. I open one sachet, drop the food in the bowl and put the empty sachet in the bin. I open the next sachet, drop the food in the bin and put the empty sachet on the bowl.

D’oh!

I’m sitting in work on Thursday and at 2 o’clock a woman in my team comes in and sits at her desk. I assume correctly that she is starting at 2pm because she works part time and is on a late shift. I found this odd because the day before I had asked if she could do my Friday late shift and I’m wondering why she would agree towork late two nights in a row. I get up to ask her, but she’s gone to get a drink, so I ask the guy who sits next to her if she is in fact working late. The guy says that I should know; she’s covering my shift.

Turns out that I may have said on Wednesday,
“Can you do my late shift tomorrow?” Tomorrow.
Now when I say “may have said” I obviously mean, well, just “said”. In doing so, by somehow managing to mix up the days of the week, I had left myself with no Friday cover (which I needed) and I had caused my kind colleague to work late on a day when no more late cover was needed. Not to mention the small matter that she was, in fact, six hours late for work.

It was all sorted, all good, but still…

D’oh!

THIS WEEK
I Watched: - Damages, The Lookout and Entourage.
I Read: - Homicide: A Year on the Killing Streets by David Simon.
I listened to: - Myself saying “Damn it!” a lot.

Fat Boy’s Adventures in Exercise: Week 4

I finally did the gym thing this week. Pretty much all I did was walk at quick pace for half an hour (it might not seem like much but I was absolutely drenched with sweat) and then went fo a half hour swim. Yes an actual swim – not just floating about in the water.

So anyway there I was proper swimming when I look over and see Ron walking towards the area I’m in. Ron looks to be in his early to mid thirties, fairly average looking, oh and I don’t actually know him; Ron is just the name I gave him for reasons that may or may not become apparent to you depending on how big a Will Ferrell fan you are.

So Ron is walking towards the pool and obviously that’s not a big deal and the only fact that registers as a little odd is that he walks by the steps to go into the pool. I take a break at this point on the opposite side of the pool directly facing Ron’s path and this how I see it. It was bizarre, I think maybe it could have been a bet, because that is the only reason I can think of for a man, alone and in his mid thirties, to do a cannonball into a busy public pool.

Now I don’t mean he just jumped, that would be bad enough (who does that in their thirties?), but this guy jumped into the air raised his knees and splashed down like a lunar capsule that just came through earths atmosphere. The splash was incredible, I’m sure I felt myself sink a little as water level dropped. And the best part was that Ron never even batted an eyelid at all the heads turned in his direction. Legend. Genuine legend.

Anyway, next week I’ll be adding some weight machines to my routine, so I’ll let you know how that goes.

‘Till then.

THIS WEEK
I Watched: - The Rock, House Season 3 finally, Jack & Bobby.
I Read: - Free Fall by Robert Crais.
I listened to:- Send Away the Tigers by Manic Street Preachers.