In a year in which I could have lost everything, in a year in which I could no longer see a path to continue on there has been one light ahead of me. One person who could always make me smile and laugh, even on the bleakest day. One person who is too small to have had to draw me out of darkness. My son. My Nathan.
Michelle is a rock. Michelle has been forged harder than steel. She has held me and us all together. My guilt for the struggles Michelle has to endure shadows the happiness that I feel with her. When we smile and laugh together I can’t help but see how tired she is; how hard her life has become. Nathan, however, knows no such struggle.
Nathan’s innocence to the realities of our life have made it possible to get lost in his world. Who could worry when they see their toddler run towards them with open arms? How could I feel low around a son who sings all day long? What is depression versus seeing the smile on the that smart and beautiful boys face, that smile which is just for me? I could not ask for a better boy. So bright, so loving, so caring. Just so good.
Since November it has been impossible to be around Nathan for any length of time without hearing him sing a Christmas song. He knows When Santa Got Stuck Up the Chimney, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, and more words to Jingle Bells than I do. You might think you would have got sick of hearing them, but if anything I’m actually sad they will stop soon. His excitement about Christmas has been so prevelant in our lives that it has been almost palpable. As well as the songs, all he has wanted to watch is Christmas movies. Climbing the arm of the couch and jumping on the couch is “being Santa”. He has even taken to wearing socks on his hands as a substitute for Santa’s cotton gloves.
So why was I angry? On Thursday afternoon when I arrived to pick Nathan up at Nursery I found him being cradled and having his temperature taken. He was sick, and by Christmas Eve he was really sick. He had a small fever, wasn’t eating, had little to no energy and had a terrible cough.
Maybe you’re still wondering why I was angry? What you have to understand is: the universe hates me. It just really likes to mess with me. That’s fine, I probably deserve it, but, Universe, listen up: Leave my boy out of it. It just was so unfair. Nathan doesn’t have as easy a life as a 2-year-old should. Some days he has had to put up with a father who was barely functioning, who is too stressed to play or too depressed to be there for him. And yet, still he is so good. He’s still so kind. He’s still so happy. And yet what was his reward for these achievements? To be ill at Christmas. Not fair.
This morning, Christmas morning, Nathan woke up feeling better and continued improving as the day went on. He had a great Christmas. He loved his gifts, of course, but more importantly he loved the day. How do I know that? Because when his mummy was tucking him into bed tonight he turned to her and said “Mummy, I’m happy”. What more could any parent want at Christmas?
I hope you all had a happy Christmas too. I hope that happiness follows us all into the new year and beyond.
