Fat Boy’s Adventures in Exercise: Week 3

Monday – 5:40pm I walk though the doors of the Dolan Aqua Centre with my pre-packed bag of gym attire. It had taken two weeks but finely my adventures in exercise were actually going to contain some exercise.

Once I was changed I went to the counter to speak to the trainer. I may be determined to do some exercise but I still have tendonitis in my knee, and my determination does not outweigh my desire to walk without limping.

“Complete rest.” This was what the trainer recommended when I asked which exercise would be best for me. Not exactly what I wanted to hear but after a little chat I was able to get him to agree that very light exercise would be acceptable. Basically I can walk on the tread mills – so that’s what I did. For twenty minutes at quick pace. At first I thought it wasn’t so bad; there was a girl beside me a little younger than I am and she too walked on the treadmill. Maybe lots of people just do this, I thought, you’re not a wuss. Of course they do not and I am. The girl was merely warming up before her run which outlasted my walk by at least ten minutes.

After the treadmill I headed down to the weight machines in Gym 2. I travelled from machine to machine for about ten to twenty minutes. On each machine I visited I read the instructions provided having forgotten the coaching I was given in my induction so long ago, back when I first joined. You need a special electronic key to operate each machine which I forgot to remove after each of my attempts to operate the apparatus. If you’ve ever seen a new parent trying to fold down a baby buggy they you may have some concept of how I looked in my attempts to operate the weight machines. If you’re unfamiliar with the baby buggy problem try instead to visualise your dad’s face when attempting to read the instructions on how to assemble your new bike. There was a guy across the floor from me who I saw watching my sad attempts from the corner of his eye several times. At first I thought his gaze was mocking me but as I visited each machine I could gradually see that he in fact looked at me with the weary pity you grant on the pathetic.

After I gave up there I went back to the tread mill for another 15 minutes, this time telling myself that a light run would pose no problem. This time around my running partner was not a young girl but an older gentleman who ran at just as quick a pace. The fact that this man – so twenty or thirty years my senior was able to run with such grace only compounded the embarrassment I felt at my clumpy pain inducing short jog. Short being the kind term, in this case, for barely over a minute.

***

When I eventually limped home on Monday I told Michelle of my weight machine fumbles and cheek warming jog, but, I also told her that I was glad I went and that I planned to go swimming on Tuesday then back to the gym on Wednesday and carry on with this pattern. My adventure in exercise had finally begun.

After dinner that night I got up to pack my shorts and towel for Tuesdays swim but was stopped by a phone call from my mum on the way through.

“We’ll leave tomorrow at nine o’clock?” she said much to my confusion. I had forgotten all about the minor operation I had scheduled for Tuesday morning. I was having a fatty lump removed just above my hip – I was cut into and then given stitches. Swimming was out of the question – not unless I wanted to look like shark bait in the water. At first I thought I might still be able to go to the gym but on Wednesday I was in quite a bit on pain. The stitches were right on my waist band and were being rubbed so much that my wound bled badly enough for my dressing to burst. I was sent home from work then and when I returned the next morning found it impossible to walk on even sit at my desk without my wound stringing badly. I got a line from the doctor the next day and will not be back in work until after the holiday Monday.

I think I will still stay out of the water for another week but I should be able to continue my walking on the treadmill as of Tuesday coming. In order to prevent further embarrassment I think it would be a good idea to get another crash course on the machines when I go back too.

‘Till then.

THIS WEEK
I Watched: - Zodiac, The Lost World:Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park III and the Season Three finally of Lost.
I Read: - The Closers by Michael Connelly.
I listened to: - Nothing.
Time in Gym: - 1 hr approx.

Fat Boy’s Adventures in Exercise: Week 2

So Week 1 you read that I never even got to join the gym until Friday afternoon and before I signed off last Sunday I assured you all that I would be on an exercise bike just after 5:30pm Monday and for the rest of the week. Even when writing that I had a slight cough, nothing that would stop me going to the gym… except that that slight cough quickly turned into a chest infection which I am today finishing the course of antibiotics for.

I know it sounds like an excuse, but believe me when I say that there was no way I go to the gym. I talk on the phone to between fifty and seventy people a day and after each of those phone calls I would go into a coughing fit. I knew that if I went to gym I wouldn’t last two minutes on any machine without bringing up a lung.

So yeah, Week 2 of my adventure of exercise, just as in Week 1, features no exercise at all. Of course there’s always Week 3, which we are in now because I’m posting this three days after I intended to, but if I tell you about it now what will I write about next week?

‘Till then.

P.S.

I’m adding a new addition to my ‘THIS WEEK’ section called ‘Time in Gym’ it’s fairly self explanatory and, like the title, is intended to motivate me.

THIS WEEK
I Watched: - Bones: Season 2, The Office (US): Season 3, Scrubs: Season 6
I Read: - Panic by Jeff Abbott.
I listened to:- Costello Music by The Fratellis.

Fat Boy’s Adventures in Exercise: Week 1

F**k that. These were the words of encouragement was given by my friends when I told them I was going to rejoin the gym. Sure I’ve tried and failed twice but joining the gym a third time is much preferable to having to restock my wardrobe a third time due to “shrinking” clothes. Besides they say third time’s a charm.

I was supposed to go rejoin on Monday. I did not. Tuesday I did not. Wednesday I did not. Thursday? Thursday I thought of all the positive things I could achieve by joining the gym – Feel better about myself, be healthier, relive stress etc – and that was it. Thursday was the day to do it, the day to rejoin the gym.

We have a two minute rule in my work which basically means you can be two minutes late and leave two minutes early. 16:58 I was up out my desk signed off my computer, signed out of the building and opening the exit door by 17:00. I walk fast and confident. Proud of myself for taking this step.

I moved with precision into Primark. Jogging trousers – 2 pair. T-Shirt - 2 set. Cash register line. Paid for goods. Out the door. I went back the way I came now cutting down that corridor that brings you out in front Crystals and smells like pee. I didn’t let the pee smell distract me and I headed up the ramp to the bridge that would take me to The Dolan Aqua Centre. The Gym.

There was a skater dipshit on the bridge, he was too old for that skate board and that hair-do and he was not watching where he was going because he was fiddling with whatever was in his unwashed hands. Probably a crack pipe… could have been an MP3 player though. Pretty sure he was going to run into me but he looked up at the last minute. I gave him a hard look and I’m pretty sure he said something cheeky. I did a quick calculation in my head and decided the fitness facilities available in prison were not worth throwing him off the bridge. Onwards.

My neighbour, and also the guy who sold me this flat works at the Dolan, his name is Scott.
“What can I do for you” he said.
“I’m going to rejoin the gym, mate.” I said, and as I said it could see that smile. The smile of guy who works in a gym and seen a hundred of guys like me walk through that proverbial revolving door a hundred times before.
“Oh right. I’m just coving the desk for a moment I’ll go get the girl who deals with that.” He said as he turned to go into the office behind him.
For some reason I was slightly nervous and despite having only a casual passing relation ship with Scott I felt it was appropriate at this point to shout after him “Got to fight the fat Scotty Boy!”

Out came the desk girl. I forget her name, and though it’s important to he parents who though long and hard about it and to those who love her it’s not that important to me or this story. She asked if I’ve been a member before and reminded me of the prices. I confirm all this is fine and I want to join. No problem? Wrong.
“Oh… did you receive a letter a while ago about paying a cancellation fee?” said Desk Girl.
I’m here to give you my business again and you people are demanding a cancellation fee? Does that make sense to you, you vacuous little leech?
“Oh yeah… I forgot all about that… I can pay it now?”
“Sorry, payment has to mailed or made over the phone”.
Of course it has! Nothing is ever bloody simple is it you smug little parasite!
“I see… do you perchance have the number there?”
“I’ll just see if I can get that for you.”
Bitch.
“Thank you so much”.

I got the number and it wasn’t long before I realised my good intention was doomed. There was no answer at the number and a quick look at my wrist watch made realise why. No council employee works past 5:00pm.

And so it was that I did not join the gym this week. I paid my bill at lunch on Friday, I had Nigel and Iona’s wedding on Saturday and today…. Well Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest isn't it?. However, it will happen. Specifically it will happen just after 5:30pm tomorrow. I’ll pack a bag tonight and intend to be on an exercise bike or like minded equipment each night after work. I’ll let you know how I get on next week.

‘Till then.

THIS WEEK
I Watched: - 24, Lost, Entourage, The Sopranos and The Unit.
I Read: - Panic by Jeff Abbott.
I listened to: - On the Leyline by Ocean Colour Scene.