The Last Christmas

Michelle will have our last Christmas as a couple this year; next year will be our first Christmas as a family.

If you don't know already, Michelle is pregnant with our first child. I have no scans to show anyone as yet but, like all parents, as soon as I am able to I will bombard you with any form of picture I can get my hands on. Until then we have Christmas, the last Christmas of our lives as we now know them. True, our baby will only be roughly twenty weeks old this time next year (look forward to the tradition infant with Santa suit/hat photos everyone) and though he or she will be completely unaware of what is going on and will perhaps only be able to move by rolling over I have a small suspicion that he/she will be the centre of our attention.

Being completely honest with you, a small part of has the odd fleeting thought that there's not much point in buying a baby Christmas gifts; the second the would-be gifts are out of sight, to the babys mind, they have ceased to exist due to a complete lack of the concept of object permanence in its tiny brain. The logic of this line of thought will naturally fall by the wayside I'm sure, giving way to a more caring and nurturing me... I'm sure it will... Sure...

We are, Michelle and I, over the moon. Michelle has wanted a family for a long time and it took me ten years with her to realise that I wasn't 17 anymore. I didn't want to give up what I had; a sweet life. A sweet life - Watching TV, playing games, reading comic books - it took me this long to realise that my sweet life was a waste of time. My priorities fell into place somehow; I realised that Sundays in the pub, what's going on in Lost and who will be in the next Batman movie doesn't matter. It was all a road to nowhere, a waste of a life. It took me ten years to figure out that. I used to consider myself fairly bright. For a long time I had felt something missing from my life, an emptiness, and when I saw those two blue lines I didn't feel like that anymore.

This has been a difficult year for my family following the tragic loss of my aunt just a few months ago. The Christmas period will be difficult for us all; you can't help but be aware of the empty seat at the table. I hope that our happy news will help everyone not to dwell on what we have lost but to look forward to better times.

I look forward to what's to come. To baby pictures with antler headbands or little elf suits (it happening!). To stories of magical beings bearing gifts. To new traditions being made. To a new life, both literally and figuratively, and all that entails.

Merry Christmas everyone,

Have a good one.

Goodwill to ALL?

While walking home tonight I encountered two Boys in thier late teens. When I was a few feet past them one of the boys shouted back to me, "We hate you mate! We f***ing hate you!" while laughing the inane laugh of a simpleton. I turned back to them, stupidly I admit, and said "I don't give a f*** about what you think, f*** off!" At that point they just turned and walked away, all the while still giggling like two testosterone filled psychotic school girls.

While very odd, and thankfully uneventful, This little encounter has convinced me that all I really want for Christmas is a brutal mass culling of the kind arseholes that I'm sure we all have to encounter on a far too regular basis.

Too much to ask? Well fine then! Have it your way with you laws and basic human decency.*sigh*

Lazy

“We need tea-bags, some bread and milk. Will you get that?”

That is what Michelle asked me to do yesterday while on the phone from her work. A simple request. I didn't do it. Yesterday, I didn't even get off the couch to make my dinner before work. All week I've been planning to borrow my mum's scanner and I haven't got that either. I've become lazy. How lazy?

This is the distance from my flat to the local shop

This is the distance from my flat to my parent's house.

So, very is the answer. I can safely say, even without giving you a map from my couch to my kitchen, that I have become very lazy.

The problem is that each day has now become a countdown to starting work at 17:00. My reasoning is that is I do things and have an active day then surely, relatively speaking, my countdown will be sped up. I've become like Jack Bauer - on holiday from CTU and living the most boring season of 24 you'd ever see – but still a slave to the clock. Each hour is a new yet familiar cliffhanger: 14:00 – Dammit! I'm out of milk! 15:00 – Dammit! This pasta meal went off yesterday! 16:00 – Dammit! Where's all my socks! (All said with the characteristic Bauer whisper-shout of course.)

Today is Saturday and as such I will quite happily tidy and clean the house from top to bottom. Well "happily" might be too strong a word in this case, but the point is: I'll do it. I'll not be lazy, because today I have no 0 hour baring down on me.

So what's the solution to my laziness? How do I live each day like it's Saturday and find the will to get off my arse? The answer's simple really: I'll give up work! No... Unfortunately I can't really do that. So the real answer to my problem? Get over it. Embrace the countdown. Realise that this is the only life I've got so I'd better start living it. Bugger.

I realise, of course, that going to the shops and visiting my parents house is not exactly living my life to the full, but that's a problem for another day.

'Till then.

The Cost of Magic

When I was just a boy I had a fairly large wart on the middle finger of my left hand. When I met my Aunt Liz, who was visiting home from America, she saw the wart and immediately made me the offer to buy it from me. Her offer was a penny, and since I wasn’t fond of the wart I thought this a fair price and accepted. She took the penny, rubbed it on my wart before placing it in my hand and told that my wart would soon be gone. Even at a young age I was a little dubious about the transaction, but sure enough, over the next few weeks the wart faded and was soon gone. Just like magic.

When I was a child that was Liz: Magic. She sang, danced, did cartwheels and back flips and would say and do things that no one else would dare to. When she was in a room everybody laughed and was happy and she was the centre of attention. She was my crazy aunt Liz and when you’re still small that seems just fine, even fun.

When I got older I would start to notice things. The singing and dancing would stop being as funny when put in context of surroundings and the forthrightness would begin to cause concern. But that was Liz, “that’s just our Liz, she’s mad but that’s just who she is” we would all, including me, say at one time of another; words to mask worry and false reason in the face of uncertainty.

Liz was ill. An illness that most do not fully comprehend and many cannot face. With the all singing and all dancing highs would come suffocating lows, and as time went on the highs and good times would grow shorter and shorter until Liz felt she could not suffer the devastating lows any longer. This is the cost of magic.

I wish there was more that could have been said and done, but nothing said or done could help her. Her mind was her enemy and the enemy was too strong to defeat. There was nothing anyone could have done. Nothing. These words are the absolute truth, logically I know that, but I don’t think any of us are ready to accept that truth just yet.

Goodbye Liz, you were a good and kind person and I love you. Your fight is over. You can rest.


Remember me with smiles not tears, For all the joy through all the years, ..."Don't dwell on thoughts that cause you pain, We'll see each other once again, I am at peace, try to believe, It was my time, I had to leave...
- Unknown

The System

I watch a lot of television. Being honest, I watch too much television, and being really honest I watch far too much television.

At this point in time I watch all of these shows: -

24, 30 Rock, Battlestar Galactica, The Big Bang Theory, Bones, Breaking Bad, Burn Notice, Californication, Chuck, The Closer, Damages, Dexter, Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, Fringe, Grey's Anatomy, Heroes, House, How I Met Your Mother, The I.T. Crowd, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Life, Lost, The Mentalist, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Numb3rs, The Office (US), Psych, QI, Reaper, Samantha Who?, Saving Grace, Scrubs, Sons of Anarchy, Supernatural, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, True Blood, The Tudors, Weeds, Entourage, Friday Night Lights, Mad Men, Prison Break, Rescue Me, The Sarah Silverman Program, South Park and The Unit

Of course these shows do no all air at the one time, but still it clearly too much. This being the case I have developed a system to help we weed out those shows which I now only watch for the sake of watching whilst not really getting anything out of it.

It is a three prong system consisting of:-

• Longevity: How long have I watched it?
  
• Gratification: Do I still enjoy it?
  
• Enthusiasm: Do I want to see it as soon as I can?
  

Falling into the Longevity section would be shows that are airing their third season or higher and that I have therefore invested a significant amount of my time in. This does not mean that I will simply stop watching the shows below that threshold but instead is just a good way to get started. The shows falling into this category are: -

24, 30 Rock, Battlestar Galactica, Bones, The Closer, Dexter, Grey's Anatomy, Heroes, House, How I Met Your Mother, The I.T. Crowd, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Lost, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Numb3rs, The Office (US), Psych, Scrubs, Supernatural, Weeds, Entourage, Friday Night Lights, Prison Break, Rescue Me, South Park and The Unit.

From here I then apply the Gratification section of the system, this is probably the most pertinent question which the system asks as the the obvios question would be: why watch something you do not enjoy?

From here I can eliminate these shows: -

Bones, Grey's Anatomy, Heroes and The New Adventures of Old Christine.

Looking at these shows now I can see that while they made have been fresh and interesting in the inception they have since gradually become worse and worse to the point where I actually feel irritated when I watch them. Out of the four Heroes is the best example of this where the shows smart writing and cleaver plot twist have descended into a muddle of nonsensical and frequently contradictory storylines.

Now left with these shows from the longevity section: -

24, 30 Rock, Battlestar Galactica, The Closer, Dexter, House, How I Met Your Mother, The I.T. Crowd, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Lost, Numb3rs, The Office (US), Psych, Scrubs, Supernatural, Weeds, Brotherhood, Entourage, Friday Night Lights, Prison Break, Rescue Me, South Park and The Unit.

I now apply the Enthusiasm query which basically asks that, despite my enjoyment of these shows, would I really miss not seeing them? The answer for the only two shows is "no" and those shows are Numb3rs and South Park.

I do enjoy the characters and storylines in Numb3rs and find South Park hilarious but, in being honest, these are shows you can dip in and out of maybe catching the odd episode every now and then.

By now applying the Gratification and Enthusiasm prongs to the shows that do not come under the longevity section I can eliminate The Mentalist, Reaper, Samantha Who?, Saving Grace, Sons of Anarchy, The Tudors and The Sarah Silverman Program. Most of these fall victim to the Enthusiasm selection in that while I do enjoy them I feel no real urgency to see them.

And so that leaves me with 24, 30 Rock, Battlestar Galactica, The Big Bang Theory, Breaking Bad, Burn Notice, Californication, Chuck, The Closer, Damages, Dexter, Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, Fringe, House, How I Met Your Mother, The I.T. Crowd, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Life, Lost, The Office (US), Psych, QI, Scrubs, Supernatural, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, True Blood, Weeds, Entourage, Friday Night Lights, Mad Men, Prison Break, Rescue Me and The Unit

So that's 46 down to 32, not a bad culling all and all, especially when you consider that Battlestar Galactica, Lost, Scrubs and Weeds are scheduled to end soon and that Supernatural, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles is on the brink of cancellation. It may still seem like a lot to some but when you consider that this is the only television I watch, meaning that I do not channel surf and that when my TV is switched on it will either be a movie or one of these programs that is on it, it's really not bad at all… is it?

This Charming Man

A few weeks ago I was lucky enough to come across what was possibly the most detestable human being I have ever come in contact with. Michelle and I happened upon the man while searching for a seat on the busy train on our way home from Glasgow. With no regard for his fellow passengers this man had taken up an entire four seat table to himself and his belongings. When seeing this I asked him very politely if Michelle and I could take the seats that his rucksack and coat currently occupied and, admittedly he did move them, though huffing and puffing too audibly all the while.

He was an older man, perhaps in his late fifties or early sixties with wild untidy hair and a face I doubt even a mother could love. He chewed gum in the same way a cow chews cud; hurried and messily. He wore a jumper which seemed too large and gave off a slight stench of must. The jumper must have itched for he was not shy of scratching vigorously and often at his arms turning his freckled and wire haired skin a painful looking colour. So enthusiastic was his clawing of his arms that you yourself began to feel phantom itches, though this at least was not one of his more conscious efforts to make us feel ill at ease.

As if unaware, or more likely not giving a damn, of Michelle and I's presence opposite him this charming man set his book down on our shared table and spread his arms in order to take up as much of the table top that his not small mass would allow. Below the table his lower limbs were not at all better. He had spread his legs out in such a way that it was near impossible to shift your weight without knocking his feet, this of course, and not without irony, lead to Michelle and I apologising for disturbing him frequently throughout the trip.

And yet, as I said, I find our meeting, this man and I, as fortunate thing. For the best part of that day my mind had been mulling over a story about a shabby and unlikeable character. What are the odds that when trying to imagine such a detestable character I should meet such sterling example? And so, with thanks to that appalling passenger, I present The Unkempt Man.

Drink and the Football Helmet

Jim Doc: Singstar!