Time Waster.

PAST
-first grade teacher's name: Mrs Glendining.
-last word you said: Right.
-last song you sang: The Coral – Dreaming of You
-last thing you laughed at: Probably one of my bosses rude and inappropriate comments.
-last time you cried: Nearly while watching Million Dollar Baby. Nearly…

PRESENT
-what's in your mp3 player: I don’t have one.
-what color socks are you wearing: Black
-what's under your bed: Linen, Towels and Jumpers.
-what time did you wake up today: 8:20 (I start work at 8:30)

FUTURE
-what is your expected future career: I’d like to write but probably something soul destroying like I do now.
-where are you going to live: East Kilbride
-how many kids do you want: Two.
-what kind of car will you drive: If I ever drive I don’t care what it is.

CURRENT
-current hair: Longer than short and in it’s usual style (if you can call it style).
-current clothes: Black Trousers, white shirt, kind of maroonish tie with pattern.
-current jewellery: The usual; watch, white gold wedding band on my left pinkie, my mums sold gold wishbone ring on my right hand, my dads wedding ring round my neck, and a St. Christopher chain.
-current annoyance: My total lack of interest in my job.
-current smell: whatever my deodorant, aftershave, hair products and pheromones produce.
-current longing: For my March holiday.-current desktop picture: At work, a stylised red aerial map of East Kilbride centring on my flat. At home, Jim Lee’s Batman in Gotham and him Superman in Metropolis facing each other.
-current favourite music artist: Always, Gomez.
-current book: ‘The Seeds of Speech: Language Origin and Evolution’.
-current worry: All the bills to come with the Wedding.
-current hate: Always drugs.
-story behind your username: I was given my user name as a rarely used nickname by friends when I was a kidlet.
-current favourite article of clothing: My new black coat.
-favourite physical feature on a girl/guy: Eyes and smile.
-one person you wish was here right now: I wouldn’t wish it on anyone to be in here.
-line from the last thing you wrote to someone: We were talking about a journalism course pipe dream for the both of us if I remember right.
-I am happiest when: I’m lying on the couch with Michelle.
-I feel lonely when: I’ve not seen my friends for a long time.
-favourite authors: Richard Russo, Dennis Lehaine, Tom Clancy (not so much recently).
-do you think too much: Yep, sometimes I just can’t get my brain to shut up.
-if you could live anywhere in the world, where: Westwood (loyal till the end!)
-famous person you have met: Although I’m shamed to admit it I met Take That once (I was with a friend, honest!) My sister used to run a company with Kay Adams.
-do you have any regrets: Not applying myself at school (at least I had fun).
-sex or love: Love
-favourite coffee: Dough Egberts (I think that’s how you spell it)
-favourite smell: Michelle.
-what makes you mad: Hereditary Schizophrenia ;)
-favourite way to waste time: Stuff like this.
-what is your best quality: My devastating good looks.
-are in currently in love/lust: Love.
-what's the craziest thing you have ever done: Killed twelve people in 1998. Keep it quiet.
-any bad habits: I’m practically perfect in every way.
-do you find it hard to trust people: Why you asking..?
-last thing you bought yourself: My new black coat.
-bath or shower: Shower-favourite season: Autumn
-favourite colour: Deep red.
-favourite time of day: Dark night.
-gold or silver: Gold.
-any secret crushes: No.

FASHION
-how many coats and jackets do you own: 11 or 12.
-favourite pants colour: Seriously?
-most expensive item of clothing: Old black coat.
-most treasured: My old black coat.

YOUR FRIENDS
-do your friends know you: At least one of them does.
-what do they tend to be like: Good people with decedent tendencies.
-can you count on them: Yes.
-can they count on you: Yes.

LAST
-last book you read: ‘The Last Coyote’ by Michael Connolly.
-last movie you saw: Million Dollar Baby.
-last movie you saw on the big screen: Million Dollar Baby.
-last show you watched on TV: Smallville.-
last song you heard: Kyle’s new one was just on the radio.
-last thing you had to drink: Five alive.
-last thing you ate: A cream egg cone last night.
-last time you showered: Last night.
-last time you smiled: Last night.
-last time you laughed so much you couldn't breathe: Watch Chris Rock: Never Scared DVD.
-last person you hugged: Michelle.
-last person you kissed: Michelle.
-last person you talked to online: Laura.
-last person you talked to on the phone: Some guy from ScottishPower.

DO YOU
-smoke: No.
-do drugs: No.
-drink: No.
-sleep with stuffed animals: No
-have a dream that keeps coming back: I rarely remember any dreams.
-play an instrument: My qualifications say I play the base (that’s a no).
-believe there is life on other planets: Don’t see why not.
-read the newspaper: No, I use The Herald website.
-have any gay or lesbian friends: Yup.
-believe in miracles: Nope.
-consider yourself tolerant: Not at all.
-consider police a friend or foe: Kind of like a stupid friend.
-like the taste of alcohol: Not in the least from what I remember.
-believe in magic: Maybe.
-pray: Never.
-go to church: Never.
-have any secrets: Don’t we all?
-have any pets: Nope.
-go or plan to attend college: I wish I could go back (cue Laura to say I still can).
-talk to strangers: Hell I barly talk to the people I know.
-have any piercing: Nope.
-have any tattoos: Nope.
-hate yourself: Who could hate me?
-wish on stars: Nope.
-like your handwriting: Sometimes.
-believe in witches: Maybe.
-believe in ghosts: Yeah I think so.
-believe in Santa: I saw him in Debinhams last Christmas.
-believe in the Easter bunny: Never seen it.
-have a second family: Have a brother I’ve met once and a Sister I’ve never seen.
-sing in the shower: Always.

Aptitude Test

I realise that these things are probably just telling you what they calculate you want to hear. And given the fact that the results also said that I have ‘a natural talent for articulating a message in a way that resonates with other people’ which I do not belive I do, I was still pretty pleased to see that the results of the aptitude test I just took. The test results informed me that my most suited career track would be in Writeing and Journalism.

Now if you know me, you know that I enjoy writing a great deal (the lengh of my blogs should at least show that) and also that despite my love for it personal insecurities, not to mention lack of training and approriate qualifications, restrict me from pursuing any kind of career in this field. I not saying that I’m about to send away scripts or CV’s based on these results, far from it, however I suppose it was nice to see that maybe, just maybe I have more than just a hobby.

If I was to really happy about these results then I suppose I would really have liked it to tell me what I have allways dreamed and perhaps secretly suspected; that I have a talent.

I Stole This Off Bob (hope he doesn't mind)

:::10 bands you've been listening to lately:::
01. Embrace
02. Del Amitri
03. Travis
04. Gomez
05. Damien Rice
06. Jem
07. Elvis
08. The Beatles
09. U2
10. Ash

:::09 things you are looking forward to:::
01. Million Dollar Baby (might go see it this weekend)
02. DC Countdown (I’m a geek I know)
03. My holiday in March
04. Paying off the loan my parents gave us for the flat.
05. Batman Begins (again, geek).
06. My Wedding.
07. The TV shows I downloaded last night.
08. My new niece or nephew
09. Going home tonight.

:::8 things you like to wear:::
01. Shirts.
02. Jeans.
03. Serial killer boots.
04. My big coat.
05. My home shirt.
06. My watch
07. Boxers
08. My two year oldCons.

:::07 things that annoy you:::
01. Waiting.
02. Loud music.
03. Drunk strangers trying to talk to me
04. Sometimes drunk friends trying to talk to me.
05. People talking to me in general ;)
06. Missing something I wanted to see.
07. Repeating myself.

:::06 things you touch everyday:::
01. My hair.
02. Phone.
03. Key board.
04. Keys
05. Remote control.
06. Dishes (this does not necessarily mean cleaning)

:::05 things you do everyday:::
01. Go on the PC.
02. Text.
03. Think.
04. Crack my neck.
05. Pee.

::: 04 people you want to spend more time with:::
01. Sparkie (if he ever has a day off).
02. Nigel.
03. Jim.
04. People in general.

:::03 movies you could watch over and over again:::
01. Carlito’s Way.
02. Blade.
03. Wonder Boys.

:::02 of your favourite songs at the moment:::
01. Jem - They
02. Ocean Colour Scene – Free My Name (brings back the nostalgia).

:::01 person you would spend the rest of your life with:::
01. David… Just kidding, Michelle of course.

Three Weeks in '98: You Never Forget Your First Time. Do You?

On the Monday following Dave’s disappearance I arrived home from school to find Jim and Nigel standing laughing quietly between themselves. They immediately headed my way and I was told what was going on.

‘Dave thinks he’s got a girl pregnant.’

WHAT!

This threw me somewhat given that (a) I was fairly certain that my 15 year old best friend was a virgin, and (b) I had not been out of his company for at least over a week and probably long before that as far as going out went. The only time I hadn’t been with him was… and it hit me.

It amuses me now to think that at sixteen years old we all believed that a girl would know she was pregnant after just two days, but then we didn’t really believe it; David did.

Nigel, Jim and I went over to my house trying not to laugh at our friends panic. Our stifled laughter was silenced completely when David walked in and sat down. He was chalk white and looked completely drained, it was a shame really but we didn’t see it that way at the time.

Dave explained that during his disappearance, which he had very few memories of, he had apparently ‘lost his innocence’ round the back of the community centre with some girl. He had got this information from his sister along with the news that they hadn’t used any protection. This lack of protection equated in Dave’s mind to an imminent bundle of joy. Even now Dave is still fearful of lacking protection and has been known to purchase the £ 25 morning after pill given even the slightest threat of fatherhood.

Now as I say, none of us really believed that this girl would really be pregnant, so like the good friends we were, we tried to reassure David of what we were sure was fact and that he would have nothing to worry about. He wouldn’t hear any of it, and after a long time of uncomfortable silence Nigel asked something along the lines of ‘what you going to call it?’ Dave stormed out as we all laughed, shouting profanities at us as he went. We really were shady bastards now that I think about it.

Of course the girl was not pregnant and Dave had been reassured by Sparkie (who had been ‘doing the deed’ for over a year at that time and therefore was an expert) that there was no possible way she could have know at that time. There were also doubts to girl’s claims between her friends.

To this day David has no clue whether or not that was the 'magical night' that he left his childhood behind and became a man.

Great White Hype

When I went out to took a look at the completely white and dangerously slippery looking main road at midnight last night I was sure that my work would be called off today. Unlike myself, who lives about two miles away from our office, most of the people I work with live in Ayrshire and the far reaches of Glasgow, so even though I could have made it in I was pretty sure most of them wouldn’t and we’d have to close.

I’m sure, having probably been meet with similar disappointment, you won’t have to imagine my own when I arrived (late as usual) to find that every one of the sons of bitches had managed in! Even the guy who lives in Douglas (that's a far away place)!

Damn that powdery precipitation of false white hope!

Three Weeks in ’98: Up The Wooden Hill

As I mentioned in the closing of my last post, David had disappeared from the second party of the three weeks for several hours after leaving to get something at the Westwood Square. Hard as it might be to believe if you know Dave, we didn’t actually notice his absence from the party for a good few hours. Maybe he was quieter in his youth than I remember, but I doubt it given that the first time Sparkie and I met him he threatened us with the handle of a brush, swinging it wildly in our direction. He was four years old then and we were five.

Given that he had went to the shops I can only assume that he left between nine and ten and did not return for roughly three hours. I can’t remember the exact time frame of course, not only because it was just shy of seven years ago, but also due to the fact that Dave didn’t exactly return in a normal kind of way.

A few hours after Titch had emptied his stomach and filled everybody’s boots, those guests who hadn’t taken to living with me during those weeks were leaving for the night. It was when we stepped out to the hall that I found David passed out and slouching precariously between two stairs quarter of the way up.

I have to admit I planned just to leave him like that, knowing that I would be unable to wake him and would have to carry him away. However a girl I went to school with and who lived beside David’s Gran, and therefore had known him since childhood, Insisted that we could not leave him like that if we were any kind of friends.

I took his head, Jim took his legs, and we started to carry him to my parent’s bed. As soon as his body left the ground he opened his eyes in a fleeting return of consciousness which seemed to last only seconds before his eyelids forced themselves closed again. We had put him down for a second to check whether we could get him to stand up, when this proved fruitless we began to lift again. Jim was hit in the stomach as Dave kicked his legs out at him. We put him down again and realised that he wasn’t really conscious at that the kicking had been some kind of defence mechanism. We told him it was alright, we told him we were taking him to bed, and we managed to get what sounded like ‘okay’ out of him. Up we went again and again he quickly went back down as he started kicking.

Jim was fed up by this time and asked if we could switch sides, reasoning that I was a lot bigger than he was and would not be as easy to kick downstairs. So up Dave went again this time with me at the legs and Jim at his head. To my relive he did not kick me, he head butted Jim instead.

Jim was hit on the chest and wasn’t really hurt, but with the revelation that Dave was conscious enough to target him for no good reason he gave up on trying to help him. Eventually it was Titch, nicely sobered up after clearing his system, that helped me get him into a bed without any more problems.

Wow… didn’t think this was such a long story. I haven’t even got to part where Dave tells us where he was…

Three Weeks in '98: Whitey!!!!

I’ve realised that out of these three weeks I said I’d write about from time to time I have only told two stories from one night out of the twenty-one.

Before I get into it I have to say that Titch, the unabashed anti-hero of my last (epic) tale, also features prominently here and I can only apologise to him that I’m tarnishing his good name.

It was one week following the terror which had quickly ebbed into hilarity of Titch’s rampage and it was another party. It was a quieter night this time with roughly only fifteen to twenty people there, just some of my closest friends at the time and some pretty girls that most of us barley knew.

It was about midway through the night, possibly about 11 o’clock when I was sitting on the floor with my back against the couch talking to Jim and Elaine who were sitting on it. The side of the couch faces the door to the living room and looks out on the stairs. All three of us looked sharply towards the direction of the stairs when we heard a stumble from the top hall which was soon followed by the blur of someone falling down them at great speed.

Sober as I was and always am I was able to refrain from the racks of laughter that seized Jim and Elaine and ran out to the hall to see if whoever it was that had fell was okay. Titch was struggling to his feet when I got out, the level of alcohol that caused his fall had also spared him from any pain from it, and so he was okay. However, although he was physically intact it seems the sudden fall must have caused an odd turn in his stomach. He threw up in an exorcist fashion where he stood at the bottom of the stairs.

Now I don’t really mind sick, being the only non drinker in a crowed full of heavies I’ve cleaned up more than my fair share, and I certainly could appreciate that the guy had just fallen down a flight of stairs, so I honestly didn’t mind. See I’d left my shoes at the back door.

Perhaps it was revenge from the previous week because it was as if he had been aiming for them. At least one of every pair of the shoes that my guests had kindly left at the front door was hit. Some a little bit, some not so little. I’m not sure if it were any consolation to anyone but the shoes that had been hit worst by Titch’s spray were his own. They were the only trainers that the vomit had gone inside and they were made from material rather than shoe leather.

Now that I think about it, David’s shoes must have been alright too given that he had disappeared a few hours earlier to get something from the shops and would not return for quite a while yet. But that’s another story…

Jibber Jabber

Can’t really think what I have to say, but I’m bored in work and don’t really have anything better to do.

Michelle was cutting David’s hair last night and when he turned up he had Jim and baby Mikey with him. I’d be asking Jim earlier how Mikey had been sleeping lately and he’d text me back that he was up and down depending on what day of the week it was but also said: -

…he’s never too much trouble. He’s just the best wee guy ever.

It made me smile.

The wee guy wasn’t too happy last night mind you. I think it’s too warm in the flat for him or something; he never seems to be comfortable for long when he visits.

Dave and I were talking about how shit it was that if it were to snow heavily last night that we would probably still be able to get to work with out any bother. Don’t know why he cared though; this is his last day until next Wednesday. He’s not even taken a holiday it’s just the way his shifts work out, and he gets paid more than if he were in work (I don’t know how that works).

Although it was nice for them to come round as I hadn’t really seen them for a while, it didn’t really make up for David splattering the remains of his Mackey’s ice-cream (he ate a whole tub!) all over my washing.

I hate to say this after the vicious abuse I got yesterday, but I was late again this morning. It’s really beginning to bug me now; god knows how the rest of the people in my work feel about it.

Collateral Damage?

Ever have one of those mornings when you look at the clock but the time doesn’t register in your brain? It’s like you glance over at the clock and see its 7:50 (I start at 8:30) but your brain only sees the seven? Your brain says ‘its okay it’s still only seven-ish, have another half hour!J’

Strolling in at about 8:55 I never felt the guilt I expected though, due to the fact that the woman who works alongside me was sauntering in behind me. As I saw her I was a little surprised as this was still early for her, who usually never crosses the door until usually 9:15. Any unease I had ebbed away as I remembered her daily ease at being late and knew that she had not pieced together all the coins she could find to get into work as soon as possible that morning.

Still… maybe I shouldn’t have started watching Collateral at half twelve last night?

Loonacy!

Have any one seen this shit about the updated Looney Tunes named ‘Loonatics’?

Bugs is now Buzz and shoots lasers from his eyes? That don’t sound too funny to me! If it’s not broken don’t fix it, and certainly don’t turn them into superheroes after 76 years!

If Warner Bros wanted a superhero cartoon and update some of their characters then why not use that other famous character that was created in 1938, the same year as bugs, and already shoots lasers from his eyes, Superman!

Yeah… not so much…

Oh don’t give me that look. You know, there were good reasons this time. Genuine excuses. But excuses all the same. Now I haven’t broken my vow to Michelle, I plan to fulfil it from next week onwards (Your giving me that look again, I can tell).

I may not have gone but I didn’t completely ignore my promise to Michelle, to compromise I did a much sweat inducing 25 minute work out with my weights using arm, leg and abdominal exercises. Surly that’s as good as an hour swimming around, no?

Yeah...That.

Don’t laugh, I mean it this time. I won’t change my mind, I don’t have any plans that I’ve forgot about, I won’t be taking work home (ever again), nothing, not even myself, can stop me this time.

I promised Michelle, vowed actually that I would do it every Thursday night (like I've been meaning to all year), so I can’t not do it. I never break a promise. Ever.

I’ll enjoy it once I’m there and have done it, plus I’ll be healthier for it so there is absolutely no good reason why I shouldn’t. I’ll let you know how it goes.

So Tired...

Why the hell did I think it would be a good idea to have a shower at 2:30 this morning? More to the point, why was I still up at 2:30 this morning? And why did I think it was a good idea to sit and read until just before 4 am when I came out that shower?

Really the most important question is, why will this not be the last time I get 2 ½ hours sleep?

1st September 2006.

It’s booked! Roughly eight months following our first viewing the hall we will hold our wedding in we have finally set a date and are awaiting an invoice to put down the deposit.

All that remains to do is book the Registrar, a ridiculously nerve racking process which involves getting to their offices exactly one year to the day we want to get married before anyone else. Speaking of which; anyone got a tent we could borrow?

5 WEEKS minus 3 DAYS.

I surly must be on my bosses’ most hated list. This is the end of my fifth working week of the year and already I’ve been off sick for three days on two separate occasions.

Now I’ll make this clear. I was not faking either time. First time was due to the worst migraine I have ever had (and I get them pretty bad as it is), and the second occasion was this week when I was off with uncontrollable vomiting, uh…irregular bowel movements, and dehydration.

Despite my genuine medical complaints, I do feel a little apprehensive about have so many days off so soon. Not as if I get paid though…

Exorcism Diet!

Tired of crazy ‘quick and easy’ fad diets that just don’t work?
Well have a diet for you! It’s so easy and quick it’s sure to be the next in thing! Just follow these four easy steps:-

1. Visit a friend or relative who suspects that he/she has food poisoning.

2. Wait roughly 24 to 36 hours and if you lucky, you’ll find out that that “food poisoning” was actually a bug which will have your food retreating from your belly like it were a Jew from Poland in 1939.

3. Continue vomiting for roughly 6 to 7 hours until even the stain that Irn Bru leaves inside you and every little piece of the corn, which you last ate in 1989, has been removed from your stomach.
WARNING: after the 4th or 5th regurgitation you may lose the will to live, this will pass in about a day after long rest.

4. Writhe in pain from all of the muscle crunching retching that produced no vomit in the final few hours for approximately half a day and physically recoil from even the slightest whiff of food or a food like substance until such time that you feel light headed and have no choice but to have food.

HANDY HINTS
Have a particular food that you enjoy? Try spewing it all over your arm and pick the partially digested pieces off. (it’ll be a long time before I think about having a cheese and ham omelette).

Good luck and God help you all!

Too Busy...Honestly!

See you’re going to think this an excuse but it’s not. Really it’s not.

The thing is that thing that I said I was finally going to do yesterday? Yeah, I didn’t do it. But see I was working late and then when I left I brought work home with me to do so… I couldn’t! Really! I was too busy to do it.

It is not an excuse!

… Shut up! I’ll go next week!

I will. I will, I will, I will!

Viva la Resolution!

I’m doing it. I will. I will, I will, I will!

I’m going swimming!

I need to. I’m… doughy. All soft and malleable. I poked myself in the belly last night; my finger was stuck for twenty minutes!

Seriously though, this is it. I’m doing it. I’m going! I’m going tonight!

Words

Does anyone know where words come from? Michelle asked me if I ever wondered why something was called the thing they were called, but surly the better question is how are they called something at all?

Did all the cavemen all decide on sounds for everything? Were things like ‘hello’ and ‘water’ or ‘mountain’ (obviously not the exact words but rather a translation) originally just grunts that the Neanderthals agreed should be that wet stuff or that big thing? Same goes for names for that matter.

Don’t think too much about it though. You’ll go crazy.

Hoff

Thirty four years ago today the world changed. Did you miss it? No. If fact you’re using it right now. On 1st February 1971 a man named Ted Hoff created the microprocessor AKA the CPU, AKA the chip.

I’m not going to go on about computers or anything (mainly because I know nothing about them) but it occurred to me that you never know when the world will change next. It could have changed already and we’ve yet to realise. This was the case with Mr. Hoff’s invention which we were not aware of until 1973, two years after its creation, and I doubt that that even after that many of us understood the impact the small innovation would have on the world.

Invention and Innovation, in fact creation, throughout history has been the instrument of change, whether it be the micro chip, the dwarf wheat, the steam engine, Superman or the atomic bomb.

My point, and I’m surprised I have one, is this; what have you created? I’ve created systems and processes in my work to make jobs quicker and easier, I’ve created stories and characters and I’ve created pancakes made with banana which taste delicious and if I thought about I’m sure I could come up with a few more things. These things make my life easier, happier, and give me more potassium in my diet. In my wildest dreams one of my creations may even change my life one day. The pancakes are very nice after all. ;o)

P.S.

Sorry to get all educational and preachy. I think it’s just my nature.