Start Spreadin’ the News

Honeymoon’s booked! I dragged my cold/flu infected body down to the centre with Michelle on Monday where we went into Cambuslang Travel and a very helpful lady named Yvonne spent over an hour getting the best price for us. We had not come unprepared, we were armed with a previous quote from Thompson travel agents (which was not much more to be fair) which was to be the bench mark Yvonne had to beat.

After getting all the details and our new quote I headed home fuzzy headed and sniffley while Michelle went to lunch with her sister. I wasn’t so fuzzy headed enough however to forget to try and beat my new price. I phoned Magic breaks and then another place which my mum suggested and which name escapes me to try and beat Yvonne’s quote. They failed surprisingly and Spectacularly.

Given the recommendations I had received for these places as the places to go for a good cheap holiday my renowned scepticism was tweaked as to the quality of the Yvonne Quote. My sister had previously recommended a site called tripadvisor.com to me so I went looking for the hotels listed in the Yvonne Quote. Both hotels were fine, with one having very high reviews and, while the other had mixed reviews, most of its points were lost simply by the age of building rather than the accommodation its self.

The Yvonne Quote was a winner and it was booked yesterday morning.

My Wife and I will fly from Glasgow on the 2nd September heading for New York City, New York where we will stay at The Jolly Hotel Madison Towers located in Madison Avenue (and seen above to your left). We will stay in the earth greatest city for five nights departing on the 7th September for the Hawaiian island Kauai (Jurrasic Park was filmed there!)where we will stay at the ResortQuest Islander on the Beach Hotel(above right) for a further 5 nights in an ocean view room. (below)

Obviously there are lots of things to do in NYC and in Hawaii we can just chill out and enjoy the sun the sand and the sea.

Naturally this wonderful holiday had to have one draw back (you didn’t think it could really be that perfect did you?). Seems we have to make a stop for a whole day on the way back home in San Francisco. I suppose we’ll just go to Alcatraz or something to pass the time…

NB: the story above has been slightly edited for the sake of poetic licence. All details of the events described are accurate though the actual booking of the Honeymoon was a little more long winded than I though necessary to tell.

PS You’re all so jealous! You know this and I know this.

Baby Face

Best. Facial Hair. Ever.

Anti-Nap

Here I am going on about weddings , lost jobs, new babies and college courses when I have neglected to mention a new addition to my household. Michelle will tell you if you ask that this thing was simply the Best. Gift. Ever. (though possibly without the pop culture emphasis) and I will grudgingly agree that it is nice to have around. The “it” I refer to is Michelle’s kitten who we eventually called Fudge.

Laura and Stuart took Michelle and I to Maryhill (to buy Michelle’s birthday gift after I had given my reluctant consent to do so. Thankfully when we got there we found no jewellery on the kitten nor did she have her ears pierced, apparently it’s only the human children that have this done to them (right after the doctor smacks the weans arse I hear). When we got her home and opened her cat box the then nameless kittens first act was to run and hide behind the couch. Then behind the chair. Then under the computer.

After a few days she stopped hiding (as much) and was quickly bonding with Michelle. After much posturing in the time leading up to the cat being bought my intended indifference was shattered when I saw the cute tiny wittle pwitty kitten!

***

Much thought went into her name and though I called her Stinkor (complements of Mr. Tonner) for quite some time we came up with a definitive name on the third day. Named after the mischievous tomboy and classic literature character we would call her Scout.

We would call her Scout, as it turned out, for about a week until Michelle decided she didn’t like it. Yet again the kitten was nameless and I refused to allow Michelle simply call her ‘Cat’ which she had wanted to do. I’m also generally against having human names for animals unless it fits, and none of the human names suggested did so.

You’d have to ask Michelle came up with it but eventually she suggested, in fact stated that the kitten’s name was Fudge. Now at first I thought “Fudge?” in the same way that I’m sure anyone reading this for the first time must be thinking it. In due course though the more I thought of Fudge being the name for this kitten the more it seemed to fit for me. Others when I told them said “Fudge?” as I had and my sister said that it sounded rude but, like me, they came round to it.

***

I’m a little ashamed to say (though I’m not sure why) that I love having the cat around. Sure she claws the foot stool, sure I have to shovel her excrement into a bag and out to the bin but that doesn’t matter. She’s fun, she’s friendly (no clawing) and she’s clean. However I could live without the anti-naps.

Between the hours of 4.30am and 5.30am I am awoken each night by a poking on sole of my foot. This is not painful by any stretch of the imagination but it does mean I’m awake. And once I’m awake I’m awake, it takes half an hour to an hour out of my sleep thus it’s kind of the opposite of a nap; an Anti-nap. I used to think she was hungry but these days I think she’s just bored. Michelle and I are out all day so she naturally just sleeps. It turns out that by 5.30am she had her fill of sleep so she’s up.

I can’t keep her out the room because there’s not latch on the door and I can’t keep her in the living room because her litter box is in the hall and if you move that they get confused about where to go to the toilet and I’m not cleaning that mess. It’s not so bad really. I get a drink and I can get stuff ready for the morning.

In truth I know that if I could keep her out the room I wouldn’t. her bed’s in our room and she just cries and scratches pathetically at the door anytime we try to block it. You try not feeling bad about a tiny creature trying to get to you for no other reason than not wanting to be alone!

Ah I’m weak and I know it…

Photo Finish (A Halloween Miracle)

With 90 minutes on the clock and only one minute of injury time to be played good fortune struck a belter into the net and saved the day. Yes, our costumes did arrive. I attribute our luck in having said costumes delivered mere hours away from the party celebrating the pagan ritual of Hallows Eve to my long standing worship of the pagan God Bastardus Jammya.

It was 11am on the 31st day since ordering the Deluxe Jack Skellington costume and the Sexy Wonder Woman costume from toynk.com via EBay. My mum was coming to pick me up so we can do our weekly Asda run in fifteen minutes so I was getting ready to leave the house when my door was chapped. You might expect a deity handed my that box, a golden vision maybe a burning bush but in fact it was a short middle aged man on the wrong side of thirty in a dishevelled blue uniform.

I couldn’t believe it. I had remarked to Michelle earlier in the week that with my luck the costumes would turn last minute but even I didn’t believe that my uncanny ability to “always land on my feet” would help us this time. I’ll never disbelieve again.

***

The party was a great success and everyone did a great job with their costumes, in particular Scott’s headless man, Gary’s granny wolf and, for his all too convincing character acting, Dillon’s performance as the über ned/chav Dilz.

Some of the night’s highlights include Dillon’s (As Dilz) techno rave dancing, Dillon’s (as himself) being shoot in the ass with an airsoft rifle at his request, and if I’m not mistaken Jack Skellington’s rendition of Aqualung’s Strange & Beautiful was quite well received. I’m unsure of this because as remarkable as the talking mask was it’s faults lay in the almost total lack of vision sound and air. Most likely to be the most talked about event of the evening was the appearance of Laura and Stuart’s forty something drug indulging slut neighbour known only as The Razzler.

***

The meaning of the Razzler’s title is still shrouded in mystery and her exploits, dating back to the time before Laura and Stuart had even heard of their now home and far too notorious and explicit to see print in these pages, but rest assured they are the stuff of depraved legend. Like a buzzing fly she appeared seemingly from nowhere and could not be removed. Claiming that she wanted to see the flats balcony at 3:30 in the morning The Razzler was no sooner in the door when a drink and a fag (in the non-smoking flat) materialised in her had and she had settled into a seat, integrating herself in the middle of people’s conversations.

Knowing my tolerance of unknown people and interlopers Laura asked if I could get her to leave. I considered doing so but knowing that Laura and Stuart had to live next to this woman I decided that my careful chosen words, “get out”, lacked the finesse that was required.

It wasn’t long after that until a series of faux taxi’s were being phoned and two by two the guest of the party retreated in hiding to there faux home a.k.a. Laura and Stoo’s Bedroom. Michelle and I along with Stuart’s younger brother Gordon were forced to actually exit the flat with the virtually pulling the Razzler with us out of the door. Eventually though she did go across the hall to her own home, but not before asking Gordon if he was sure he didn’t want to join her for “a wee drink an a smoke”. I’m assuming she was not reffering to tobacco as earlier in the night she had explained that her fourteen and sixteen year old boys were in the flat getting stoned while she forced her company on us. Fourteen and sixteen.

After the bothersome entity had bee exercised the night continued (sans time change) to 6am, when tired eyes prevailed over drunken minds. This was much to the disappointment of Stoo and Michelle who were up for more chat and finishing the already half finish bottle of Southern Comfort they had started scat hours before.

***

Tonight is the “post match” dinner at Shenanigans before we see Second Hand Elastic Band a.k.a. Gary’s band play at the same venue, and I’ve just realised that Stoo will be dropping by to pick us up any second.

Until next time then.

P.S. Thanks to Dave Hogg for providing the link pictures - to see more Halloween photos follow this link