Exorcism Diet!

Tired of crazy ‘quick and easy’ fad diets that just don’t work?
Well have a diet for you! It’s so easy and quick it’s sure to be the next in thing! Just follow these four easy steps:-

1. Visit a friend or relative who suspects that he/she has food poisoning.

2. Wait roughly 24 to 36 hours and if you lucky, you’ll find out that that “food poisoning” was actually a bug which will have your food retreating from your belly like it were a Jew from Poland in 1939.

3. Continue vomiting for roughly 6 to 7 hours until even the stain that Irn Bru leaves inside you and every little piece of the corn, which you last ate in 1989, has been removed from your stomach.
WARNING: after the 4th or 5th regurgitation you may lose the will to live, this will pass in about a day after long rest.

4. Writhe in pain from all of the muscle crunching retching that produced no vomit in the final few hours for approximately half a day and physically recoil from even the slightest whiff of food or a food like substance until such time that you feel light headed and have no choice but to have food.

HANDY HINTS
Have a particular food that you enjoy? Try spewing it all over your arm and pick the partially digested pieces off. (it’ll be a long time before I think about having a cheese and ham omelette).

Good luck and God help you all!