Three Weeks in '98: Toothpaste Fury! Part 1

As I start to write this I feel a certain amount of pressure, this is by far one of the funniest stories ever told by anyone who witnessed it, so I hope I tell it right.

Titch is a good guy, a good laugh, smart and talented with a guitar (if not his voice). Titch also has a temper which is both equally terrible and legendry. After Johnny had woke me (see the Hyper-Sleep Blog) I had went back to sleep, and yet again I was awakened with a start. A glass smashing is what woke me to be exact, not the gentle smash of a glass dropped but rather the forceful clatter of a glass being smashed that and a guttural roar which came from the bathroom 'FUCK!'.

I shot up and ran out to the hall where I found a guy and a girl who were not a couple when I went to bed, semi clothed and lying under a quilt on the top hall. After my initial intake of this scene I asked them who was in the bathroom. The girl answered, she was one of my best friends and not at all embarrassed about her position in the middle of my top hall. She spoke one word with a look that made me wince; 'Titch'.

I knocked the door and stepped inside to find Titch surrounded by the remains of the smashed glass and staring in the mirror. My eyes were still hazy from the sleep and transition from dark to light so he was more of a silhouette when I came in and asked what happened to the glass.

'Sorry... I smashed it' he said

'Why?' I asked'

Because they drew on my Fucking Face!'

He turned then and I saw the stars and swirls all over his reddened cheeks. What draw my eyes more was the word 'Jobby' which had been penned across his forehead. I told him to calm down and wash his face, which he did. The pen came off so I asked if was okay and whether he had calmed down.

'No' he said ' My top's ruined!'

This confused me as I was sure whoever drew on his face would not draw on the fleece that Titch was referring to. Then I saw it; I giant smear of toothpaste across the chest. I later fond out that the offending paste had been put on his hand with hopes he would rub it on his face.

He started up again so I told him to get out the bathroom and calm down while I cleaned the glass. He stood at the top of the stairs against the wall where my mum's pictures were hung. At one point the guy in the hall with the girl asked if he was okay, he was told to... well I don't want to swear all the way through this. As I was sweeping the remains of the glass I hard something fall and as I turned I saw Titch bat another of the pictures on the wall downstairs. Now the glass was one thing but now he was just breaking things so I was pissed off and showed it by grabbing him a sending him stumbling after the picture he had just thrown down the stairs. He didn't fall though, despite his level of intoxication he stayed on his feet and charged toward the living room where he grabbed the first person he saw. Johnny was the unlucky one to be closest to the door, which later on we discovered was kind of ironic since he had in fact been the culprit behind the toothpaste.

By the time I had ran in there was already a crowd of people attempting to separate Titch from Johnny, we managed to drag him out to the hall and were trying to calm him down again. He had just stopped shouting profanity when Nikki, the girl who had came to check on me earlier and who Titch hated with an inexplicable passion spoke. I can't remember what she said, I don't even think it was that bad, but Titch obviously disagreed. He went berserk, he wanted to kill her I think or at least injure her, he swung out at her even and this is not a guy who would hit a lady. Out of nowhere Gillian, Nikki's bet friend and my mate Sparkie's girlfriend at the time appeared from the stairs clawing like a manic at the man who looked as if he were a scud missile come to life. We then had to separate them which wasn't going well until Sparkie appeared like chauvinism given life and taken human form in his underwear and told Gillian to quit it and dragged her back to the spare room. Meanwhile we had thrown Titch out the front door.

'Go home' I told him.

He didn't.

To be continued...